Unlocking human potential through martial arts
Tell the truth, pretty boy. You don’t really care whether your martial art works on the streets. You just want to burn calories and build muscle, because that is what works on the beach.
So let me warn you: although Taijiquan can benefit your health, your physical appearance will pay the price.
Master Po: Grasshopper, soon you must leave the mountain. We shall now begin preparations for the day that you accept disciples of your own.
Kwai Chang Caine: Be not concerned, master. I have committed each of your Kung Fu fighting techniques to memory.
Po: Grasshopper, these techniques are trifles. It is most important to transmit wude, the moral principles of Kung Fu.
Caine: Yes master, I have also memorized the 377 rules of virtuous conduct, and I will require my students to do the same. Rule number one: “Don’t show up drunk.” Rule number two…
Po: Stop right there. It is not the teacher’s job to recite these rules; it is the teacher’s job to embody them. They are descriptive, not prescriptive. Wude is not something you do, it is something you are.
Caine: Master, I do not understand. On the day I arrived in the temple, I took an oath to follow these rules. Are they not important?
Po: Grasshopper, that stuff is just for the newbies. It is time for you to receive the inner gate teaching on martial morality.
Can the fire of man breathe within the waters of woman? Only if she allows. From Eden’s Gate, through Taoist teachings, through sexual revolutions and on into time eternal, women have been, are, and always will be the masters of ultimate sexuality.
Totally Nude Tai Chi is the most comprehensive, and most bizarre martial arts instructional video I have ever reviewed. Five naked female models demonstrate Tai Chi theory, the solo hand form, sword and saber practice, circle walking and palm changes, push hands and fighting applications, all within one hour.
Steps
Martial Development: First of all, congratulations: a recent surge in Berkshire Hathaway’s stock price has made you the richest man in the world. $62 billion dollars, I hear. According to my estimates, you could literally buy up all the tea in China.
Warren Buffett: I drink Coca-Cola.
Martial Development: Fair enough. You know, kung fu is all about profitably investing time and effort. As one of the world’s greatest investors, I thought you might have some unique insights to share with us.
Warren Buffett: I’ve never even made a hostile acquisition! What do I know about kung fu?
Martial Development: More than you realize.
A Seattle Weekly reader asks:
Dear Uptight Seattleite,
Please explain the compulsion some Seattleites feel to practice tai chi in public. This week on the Seattle-bound run of the Winslow ferry, I observed a middle-aged man practicing tai chi who looked like he was going to mate with the bulkhead, until he almost fell down. Note that it was a calm day and there were no swells. A regular on the ferry told me the man does this every morning. My dog and I always see this other guy who’s tai chi’d to death all the grass around a tree in a park near my house. I see the same thing at Volunteer Park, Green Lake, and other places around the city: middle-aged white guys sweeping the air in elaborate, self-conscious slow motion. Why do they have to do it in public?
Signed,
Why Chi?
Dear Mr. Chi,
Karate (1983)
Starring: Mithun Chakraborty and Yogita Bali
IMDB reviews say: “An abomination to Indian movies and martial arts…pure garbage…watch this movie only if you are considering killing yourself.”
Karate
By consolidating your bad karma you can reduce your karmic debt up to 60%. This means by paying off your bad karma in one or two short misadventures you can avoid paying for a bad mistake for the rest of your life little by little. By getting what you deserve all at once it is possible to show the universe you are aware you are a bad person, and we can help by convincing the universe to go easy on you. Even if you haven’t learned your lesson we can trick the powers that be into thinking you have.
Steven Seagal reaches new heights of self-parody, in this scene from his latest movie Shadow Man:
Steven Seagal: So the idea of dim mak, or any kind of internal technique, is not to hurt others but to help others. Dim mak can be used to heal people, it can be used to kill people. This is the nature of chi. Chi can be used in striking for just external, or internal. If you go to the internal organs you’ll do great damage; external, you can just move them a little. [Applies ji posture to send Student 1 reeling backwards.] Or, you can go internal. [Strikes watermelon held by Student 2, ruining lunchtime for everyone.]
As I explained in Defining The Internal Martial Arts, there is no consistent definition of what constitutes a neijia style. In fact, you might be a neijia artist yourself, and not even realize it! Here are a few of the classic warning signs.
If you are constantly looking inward, yet still cannot stand the sight of blood,
you might be a neijia artist.
