14 Amazing Chuck Norris Facts

The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book

1. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity—twice.
3. The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
4. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
5. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

7. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
8. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
9. Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.
10. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
11. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
12. Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
13. Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
14. Chuck Norris makes onions cry!

You can learn more about Chuck Norris here.  And if you discover any other critical Chuck Norris facts, please share them with us.

182 comments

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  2. Flippin’ brilliant post…I’m laughing like a crazy woman here… Okay, so maybe I am crazy, but that’s besides the point. Don’t stare.

  5. Okay, it’s about two hours later and I had to come back to read it for a chuckle…just as funny the second time. LOL…still laughing.

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  11. I haven’t come up with a list yet, and now I’m intimidated by the power of Chuck Norris.

    This is fantastic!

    And I agree about the bumper sticker.

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  20. You know, I am not really a Chuck buff – but this stuff is funny! Thanks!

    DC1

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  23. The dead sea scrolls revealed that the literal translation of Genisis 1:1 was “In the beginning Chuck Norris performed a roundhouse kick”

  24. Thank you for sharing. I have recently discovered that Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth, and boils the water with his own rage.

  25. This has been well published in many other places (with more items). I really would like people to at least acknowledge that their content originated (even if in part) elsewhere.
    Here are some of my favorites which were not listed here (a whole bunch can be found at http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris):

    1 – Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.
    2 – Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight. Not because he’s afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.
    3 – Chuck Norris’ tears can cure any known disease. Too bad he hasn’t and never will cry.
    And finally, my favorite:
    4 – The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” was finally solved when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked himself in the face. That was the first time he was ever seen without his beard, a mere 7th dan blackbelt.

  26. I would be happy to acknowledge the original authors, but every website I’ve seen (including Uncyclopedia) quotes them without attribution.

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  29. when chuck norris walks out into the rain, he doesn’t get wet. the rain gets chuck norris.

  31. Who is Chuck Norris? He is your worst nightmare. Some say he drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

  34. Watch the Man himself read his favorite facts, on “The Best Damn Sports Show, Period”:

  36. on my home town whenever someones feet stink at a long range, we say that guy kicks like Chuck Norris and his long kicking

  38. On Chuck Norris’s birthday, he chooses one lucky child and roundhouse kicks him to the sun.

  39. Chuck Norris once created a woman using one of his own ribs. She later became known as Superman

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  46. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic was not sunk by an
    iceburg. It was sunk by a time-travelling Chuck Norris,
    who was practicing his roundhouse kicks against the hull.

  47. When Yoda met Chuck Norris, he said, “Your bitch, I am.”

  49. Chuck Norris, the only man to go missing in action three times.

  52. Mr. T’s original catch phrase was “I pity the fool, who f*&ks with Chuck!”,
    but the sensors removed the last half of the phrase figuring it was implied anyway.

  54. Chuck Norris played himself in Russian Roulette and won

  55. Chastity pledges are no longer practiced because everyone knows Chuck Norris will always come around and derail their plans.

  56. Math was invented by Chuck Norris as a body-count system.

    Chuck Norris is so prolific he replaces all the people he kills.

    All the electric guitars in America were played at once at full volume and sent in a continuous wave of sound toward Chuck Norris.
    One note from Chuck Norris and he overpowered the orchestra.

    Never perform a roundhouse kick in the air unless you’re sure Chuck Norris is not standing in front of you, completely invisible.

  57. Chuck Norris slept through the Big Bang.

    God is actually Chuck Norris is disguise.

    Chuck Norris is Christian, but he doesn’t need faith the size of a mustard seed to command a mountain to uproot itself. The mountain JUST DOES IT.

    Walker, Texas Ranger will never be canceled because that would piss off Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris’ right leg was sliced off by a razor-sharp sword, and the leg got up by itself and smashed the sword into pieces.

    Chuck Norris was the actual father of Anakin Skywalker.

    Virginity is actually on the DECLINE because of Chuck Norris.

  58. Napalm was invented when chuck norris lit one of his farts. This is also where the phrase “FIRE IN THE HOLE” originated.

  59. Chuck Norris’ foot broke a lightsaber blade.

    A region of the earth that is labeled as uninhabitable is not so because of unfavorable environmental conditions, but because of Chuck Norris.

  61. Chuck Norris uses “i” before”e” and then rounhouse kicks “c” in the face.

  62. When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn’t push his boddy up, he pushes the Earth down!!!

  65. To go along with your Chuck Norris facts, here are some presidential “facts” as well from this site:

    http://www.voont.com/presfacts

    Abraham Lincoln (1861 – 1865)

    * Consumed small Mexican child on more than one occasion

    * Unsuccessfully attempted to change presidential oath from “Preserve, protect, and defend the constitution of the United States” to “Once you go black, you never go back”

    Theodore Roosevelt (1901 – 1909)

    * Was actually highly advanced cyborg assassin sent back in time to kill Taft

    Herbert Hoover (1929 – 1933)

    * Provided the main guitar riff for Rage Against the Machine’s “Calm Like a Bomb”

    Yikes.

  67. Chuck once ate the entire stock of a Jewelery store and was shat diamond encrusted gold bricks for a whole week

  71. If you look closely, Chuck Norris does indeed have a middle name. It’s just squashed really thin.

  72. chuck norris can talk about fight club.
    chuck norris can belive it’s not butter’
    chuck norris can touch mc hammer.

  73. Dude Chuck Norris is a legend.
    ~When Chuck Norris jumps in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

  75. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, “I believe… I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride.” Arnie says, “I believe… that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements.” God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, “I believe… you are sitting in my seat.”

  78. 1. Thous shalt not kill. That’s Chuck Norris’s job.
    2. You might say that Chuck Norris is a no-talent, redneck hack. But he only might let you live to regret it.
    3. Say what you want about Chuck Norris. Just know that he’s listening.
    4. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a bullet-proof vest. His chest hair puts Kevlar to shame.
    5. Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms…until he rips them from your torso.
    6. Chuck Norris once killed a Head-On ad exec with a roundhouse kick applied directly to the forehead.
    7. The CN Tower is the tallest building in the world. With those initials, is it any wonder?
    8. Chuck Norris nobly defends the right of all men to die by a roundhouse kick to the face.
    9. Chuck Norris loves America. Its women especially.
    10. Chuck Norris may not have brought you into this world but he’ll take you out of it. With a roundhouse kick to the face. Also, he did bring you into this world…by banging your mom.
    11. When only an infant, Chuck Norris was discovered in the wilds of Yellowstone. The wolves are only now beginning to recover their numbers.
    12. Chuck Norris once spent the night in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. He wasn’t invited but he was tired and who was going to stop him?
    13. Chuck Norris does not covet his neighbors wife. he’s done with her.
    14. I believe the children are our future…and that Chuck Norris fathered them all.

  79. Superman doesn’t become more powerful as he approaches our sun. He becomes more powerful as he approaches Chuck Norris.

  80. CHUCK NORRIS ONE THE 1983 WORLD SERIES OF POKER, DESPITE HOLDING ONLY A 7 OF CLUBS, A RED 3 FROM UNO, AND A ” GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD” FROM MONOPOLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ROFLMAO

  81. When God sneezes, he says “Chuck Norris bless me” to Himself.

    In Genesis 1:3, God said let there be light” so that he could see if Chuck Norris was going to roundhouse kick him in the face.

  82. Chuck Norris doesn’t work out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym works out on him.

  83. In 1972 a man asked Chuck Norris after the release of Way of the Dragon “what was it like to get your ass kicked.” He was promptly round house kicked so hard that he was the first object to leave the solar system not Pioneer 10. Chuck Norris just lets all of us believe that Pioneer 10 was the first.

  85. In Texas, death-row prisoners are put to death by having Chuck Norris stare at them until they die from fear.

  87. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, it makes a sound…only audible to Chuck Norris

  88. Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

  89. chuck norris doesnt consider it sex if the woman survives. also, he secretly sleeps with every woman once a month and they bleed for a week

  90. Freddy Kruger is afraid to fall asleep, for fear he’ll dream of Chuck Norris.

  91. Chuck Norris leaves a nightlight on when he goes to sleep. Not because he’s afraid of the dark. Because the dark is afraid of him.

    Chuck Norris could run around the world and kick himself in the back of the head.

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

    There is no “ctrl” button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

    Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

    Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t have to comb his hair. They all fall perfectly into place, from fear.

  92. Here’s one you’ve never heard before —

    When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror he sees Sirron Kcuhc and he know that he can beat him.

  93. chuck norris’s tears cure cancer……to bad he never cried…..never has….never will

  94. A rolling stone gathers no moss…unless Chuck Norris wants it to.

  95. A watched pot never boils. Unless Chuck Norris is watching the pot. Then the pot explodes.

  96. Historians believe that the area between trenches in wars is called no mans land…we all know this as CHUCKS LAND!!

    CHUCK NORRIS fired Alan Sugar!

    CHUCK NORRIS framed Roger Rabbit

    Lighting never strikes twice…CHUCK NORRIS does…

    Mastercard..for everything else theres CHUCK NORRIS.

    CHUCK NORRIS once played with fire…fire got burnt.

    CHUCK NORRIS doesnt get cancer..he gives it.

    Great works are performed, not by strength but by CHUCK NORRIS.

    CHUCK NORRIS is hotter than the sun.

    The only known cure for world hunger is CHUCK NORRIS..

    Contrary to popular belief..on the 7th day God did not rest..On the 7th day God recieved a roundhouse kick fom CHUCK NORRIS..

  97. All of the pencils in Chuck Norris’s house don’t have erasers, because Chuck Norris has never made a mistake…EVER.

  100. They say no man is an island…but Chuck Norris could be if he wanted to.

  101. They say you can’t go home again…but Chuck Norris can go whever the hell he wants to!

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  105. Chuck Norris doesn’t manage conflicts, he eliminates them.

  107. Chuck Norris can make a snow angel in a brick wall.
    Chuck Norris can fuck two girls at the same time. Literally.
    Chuck Norris can send sms message using toster.
    Chuck Norris can put out the fire with gasoline.
    Chuck Norris uses a live python as a condom.

  109. They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But a bird in Chuck Norris’ hand…is one squished bird.

  110. When some people go to bed they were superman pajamas, when superman goes to bed he wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

  111. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

    Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

    Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

    chuck norris has the real king kong in his trunk

    When chuck norris looks in the mirror, nothin appears because theres only 1 chuck norris

    Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

    Chuck Norris wasn’t born with feet, just boots

    Chuck Norris can dribble a football

    When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

    When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
    Chuck norris invented the corndog

    Chuck Norris Jump from the top of the Empire State Building and he only sprained his ankle

    The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
    Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
    Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

    Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

    If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

    Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly

    Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing his finger and yelling “bang”

    Chuck Norris eats a bowl of rocks every morning

  112. Here are some of my own Chuck Norris Facts. Did you know? The state bird of Oklahoma is Chuck Norris’ middle finger. Chuck Norris’ first words were dada, his dad’s first words were Chuck Norris. The first letter of Chuck Norris’ alphabet is Ouch. If you think it’s weird seeing dead people then how do you think dead people feel when they see Chuck Norris.

  114. Chuck Norris has such a magnetic personality that he can’t carry credit cards

  115. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and of course, Chuck Norris.

  116. -Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

    -If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

    -Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

    -When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s

    -Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

    -Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    -The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

  117. If the world came down to nuclear war only Chuck Norris and the cockroaches would survive but the cockroaches wont survive Chuck Norris

  119. Chuck Norris made a rock so big he couldn’t lift it – then he lifted it anyway.

  123. We all need somebody to lean on. Except for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can make a triangle have two obtuse angles.

    Chuck Norris died and went to heaven. When he got there
    God said, “Welcome!” Chuck Norris said, “Get out of my chair.”

  125. anyone can piss on the floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on the ceiling.

  126. Chuck Norris once had sex in a trailer. He got some sperm on the gas tank. that trailer is now known as Optimus Prime.

  127. Chuck Norris goes to bowling alleys,puts a quarter in the crack in the door,and a bowling ball rolls out. He says his favorite flavor is cherry

  129. Contrary to popular belief, there is enouph chuck norris to go around.
    Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as chuck norris.
    Chuck Norris invented the C Section when he round house kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

  130. Chuck Norris is never late. Whatever time he arrives is the right time.

  133. Chuck Norris doesn’t tell knock-knock jokes,
    Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks the door down!

  134. I am so glad that you can joke at yourself. I never used to do that to myself. Now I can. I guess I finally realized that life is to short, especially when I thought about committing suicide before I seen the symptoms for depression on the television and then I realized what was wrong with me. I had every symptom except one. I had weight gain instead of weight loss.

  135. Chuck Norris’s roundhouse kicks are a paradox: They kill instantly, yet contain more antioxidants than green tea…

  136. Here is a Chuck Norris joke I made up.. Texas has an option of the type of death penalty ……Firing squad or Chuck Norris..

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  139. Do you know how the Ninja Turtles were born?…….Chuck Norris fcuked a Turtle

  140. Chuck norris is 1/8 Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking indian!!

    If you have 5 dollars, and Chuck has 5 dollars. Chuck has more money than you!

    Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    Acording to Newtons law of reletivity, Chuck Norris can actualy roundhouse kick you yesterday!!

  141. if chuck norris says that you are a nintendo tart it means that you are a wii-tart – a.k.a stupid. then run – he will find you

  142. Heres one I made up-

    **Chuck Norris doesnt lick his postage stamps, He just looks at them and they wet themselves.**

  143. Chuck Norris bet on the 2015 Superbowl… and won.
    Chuck Norris only runs when he wants to speed up or reverse time due to the fact that him running directly affects the rotation of the Earth.
    Chuck Norris beat the world champion heavyweight boxer… with both hands tied behind his back.
    Chuck Norris doesn’t have a drivers license… cars slow him down.
    Chuck Norris can fly when he wants to because gravity doesn’t want any trouble.
    The first atomic bomb was just a paper mache ball containing Chuck Norris that was dropped from a plane.
    Meteorologists follow around Chuck Norris and wait for him to sneeze so they know when and where to issue tornado warnings.

  144. All of these jokes are cool. Someone told another one. “The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thaught he was wrong.”

  146. There was a knife waiting in the allyway late one night, it tired to stab Chuck Norris.. the knife bled to death later that night.

  147. Onions don’t make Chuck norris cry he makes them cry

  148. I made these up:
    When Chuck Norris plays taekwondo, he beats the referee.

    When Chuck Norris gets mad, he raises the roof. Literally.

    If Chuck Norris was a magician, he’d made skulls and souls disappear.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t checkmate you, he breaks the chessboard.
    Chuck Norris’ favorite place is Death Valley, California.

    Chuck Norris can make fire by just clapping his hands.

    If Kobe Bryant can throw a basketball 20 m and score, Chuck Norris can throw Kobe Bryant 30 m and shoot him.

    CSI really meant “Chuck Norris’ Investigation” but Chuck Norris was too “deadly” that he shot the cameraman.

    One day, Chuck Norris and his friend were lost in a forest. Just then, a mammoth appeared. Good thing he found a shotgun. The friend was happy. He told him to shoot the lion, but instead, he shot his friend and roundhouse kicked the mammoth. That was why mammoths were extinct.

  149. A genious had the idea to put Chuck Norris’ piss in a can. We call it Red Bull

  150. Chuck Norris invented the internet. When a group of computer geeks said it was their invention, Chuck went to destroy their hometown. What he found was weapons of mass destruction, which he used to destroy the land of the geeks. He named it “Iraq”, because he forgot how to spell “I rock”.

  151. Remember roswelle?
    No body told those alieans to use a beam on chuck norris….

  155. curiosity didn’t kill the cat, it was Chuck Norris because when the cat looked at him it died because he is too epic for words

  156. neil armstrong wasn’t the first man on the moon Chuck Norris was on the moon without a space suit before man even knew the moon exsited

  158. chuck norris doesn’t join the darkside the darkside joins him.

    when chuck norris pops his nuckles the universe shakes.

    chuck norris doesn’t die when its his time someone else gets in the grave for him

  159. Death had a Near-Chuck Norris-Experience before…
    Death didn’t saw a light at the end of a dark tunnel but an incoming roundhouse kick.

  160. My contribution to the legend:
    “Chuck Norris doesn’t go the the bathroom. When he feels the urge to urinate, the toilet uproots itself, begs to be peed on, and then explodes spontaneously with a roundhouse kick to itself. Not a drop of urine or flick of broken porcelain lands on Chuck Norris. It wouldn’t dare.”

  161. Chuck Norris’s doesn’t need to wear a bullet proof vest in a gun fight, he slaps bullets out of this air with his bare hands.

  162. The big bang didn’t start the beggining of the universe, it was just Chuck Norris ripping ass.

  164. Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two icecubes together,

    O _ O

  165. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
    When girls are having sex with god they are screaming “OH CHUCK NORRIS”
    See…these jokes are GOLD!

  166. Chuck Norris wasn’t killed in a air plane crash, Bruce Lee beat the hell out if him and after all these years he finally came to sense and he killed himself…Bruce Lee died because he feels bad for what he did to Chuck Norris… This is a fact

  167. Chuck Norris wasn’t killed in a air plane crash, Bruce Lee beat the hell out of him and after all these years he finally came to sense and he killed himself…Bruce Lee died because he feels bad for what he did to Chuck Norris… This is a fact

  168. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a royal flush to win at poker just his own hand.

    Chuck Norris did it in the back of an eighteen wheeler with a girl and thus Optimus Prime was formed.

  173. The only person who cried when Chuck Norris was born was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

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  179. Chuck Norris was never a fighter, he won a local point-karate tournament once, the promoter called it the world championships, funny haha.

  180. Man uses machines to defy the laws of gravity to fly, but Chuck Norris just flies because gravity dares not defy him.

  181. -Out of Chuck Norris the universe was created and then decisively destroyed by Chuck Norris.
    -If one were to ever actually see Chuck Norris….oh wait you can’t see Chuck Norris ROFL, he expolded you with his ass hair yesterday.
    -Chuck Norris created all the elements from the periodic table with a roundhouse kick
    -Chuck said he was feeling”cold” one day so he warmed his hand and our sun was crafted.
    -By merely existing Chuck Norris’s attack speed, attack, and accuracy increase exponentially
    -An encore with Chuck Norris never happened…
    -Chuck Norris can row with no oars
    -Chuck Norris can lift himself, enough said.
    -Chuck Norris turned Medusa into a snake lady which can turn people to stone.

  182. Very nice Norris jokes! My favorite is “The only word that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris”

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